Just cropdusted the office
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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