i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Shame - the story of my life.
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