I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
