captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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