I will die if light touches me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
