She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
