Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
