I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
