Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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