Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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