my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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