I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
