I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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