I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
