please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
