Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
