We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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