I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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