she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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