There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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