If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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