You really coming over, don't trick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
