if i can run in heels then i can drive
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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