saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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