i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
