it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
