My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
