He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize