that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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