i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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