someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
