Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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