I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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