My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
