Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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