Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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