did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
