There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
