Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
