In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
