Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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