His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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