Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
