I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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