I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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