What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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