gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
