I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
