when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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