Porn is love you can see.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize