she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
