My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
