you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
