I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
