Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
