I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
