Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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