Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
