tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
