Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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