whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
